An Homage to a Year:
What has been, What will be and What is…
Last year I made an 8 hour trek to the top of a Volcano in Guatemala to ring in the new 2014 year. With 13,045 feet of elevation, I shed one whole year and welcomed a new one.
It was magnificent and also, it was justifiably one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. I definitely wasn’t ‘prepared’, I needed support as the altitude level strained my system, I felt like quitting, I realized quitting wasn’t an option, I kept on going, I felt like quitting again, I was reminded that there was no turning back so, i just kept going… and going…and going… until there was no more going to be done.
All that was left was reflection… huddled around this very campfire, on the edge of the monstrous Acatenango, a stranger shared that in her country they believed the way you ring in the New Year indicates how your year will unfold.
I laughed as I sat there shivering, wet, cold and sincerely amazed that I had survived. I gazed at this monument of mother nature and the adventurer in me thought “Well Shit… Bring on this new year! I can take it!” The exhausted (and more grounded) side of me silently prayed for a smoother 364 days ahead…
So, was she right? Had my 2014 been as tumultuous, thrilling, unnerving, heart opening, fulfilling, death defying and mystifying as that Volcano experience? In many ways… Yes!
(and in someways no… I stayed pretty close to the ground last year lol) But, it proved to be a year of emotional hurdles, an uphill climb of a sorts, day in and day out. It became a year of extreme depression met with extreme elevation. It forced me to take risks and to question myself on new levels. It gave me a chance to identify emotional scars, inherent waxing and waning of self confidence, direction and motivation.
So, as I say farewell to 2014… I also say thank you! It was a year of deciding to make choices and choosing to make decisions. It was a year of staying put, putting my head in the game and pursuing myself. And, it has been so worth it. In retrospect the last year really forced me to get a grip, loosen up, lighten up and reevaluate what i am doing with my time— here. It was loaded with all the dramatic, fiery shit that I crave and all of the warmth and heart expanding experiences that I needed. I definitely met a new me this year and it’s been both exhausting and an absolute pleasure.
The very first photo I took in 2015 was with a strange dancing stranger-man that had me laughing. I will likely never see this man again. But, thanks for the photo… It makes me laugh and I think I’ll make ‘make yourself laugh’ my mantra of the year. Here’s to being sassy, making ‘living’ fun, working my ass off, finding the meaning behind my presence, making myself laugh and wearing my red lipstick… because, why the hell not?
With the words of that stranger on the volcano in mind, I welcomed this new 2015 year with a wider heart & both feet firmly planted on the ground (wiser, cleaner and warmer than last year). I rang it in with rouged lips and a full heart. I was working and I didn’t mind it one bit because, working my ass off was a set intention for the year so it seemed only fitting… besides, I had fun doing it! I was surrounded by great music, warm faces (some familiar and some strangers) and an internal happiness no single location (or occasion) can alter. The truth is, our year is not determined by the outcome of one celebratory day. It is progressively determined by our state of mind day by day and how well we are learning to celebrate each day we get here.
Ten days into 2015 I write:
We must be as passionate about finding out who we are as we are about ‘where we are going‘. We must be rigorous in our attempt to meet ourselves, what we are traveling with and what we are traveling for… not merely fixate our-selves on what is ahead (that is too far-fetched). We are our one true companion… do we care who we are? We must devote our energy to understanding the traveler. We must realign our vision and not make it our peripheral. There is no ‘working towards’ anything worth more than knowing our own worth. This is our ultimate pursuit. This is the ultimate journey of our ‘lives’… because, for the sake of living “to thine own self be true”(!!!)…. It must become our priority. We mustn’t shove it to the side of the road, it is the path. It is the ‘aim’, it is the ‘goal’, it is ‘everything’, it is the ‘nothing’. And, it is the breath upon our neck, begging for us to ignite- to expand- to feel- and as we choose to breath it in, it breaths us into becoming… anew.
Mother Nature, I ask for strength. I beckon the guidance and stamina to be– fully and totally present. I honor my intuitive nature as my compass and vow to let it lead the way. I give thanks to my past & future selves, and experiences. I allow them to act as reminders, rather than hindrances, of my evolution and ongoing presence. I shed fear and anything else which no longer serves me. I seek to heal and take responsibility as my own healer. I ask for the consistency of comfort and chaos to reign, together, in their beautiful sing-songy way… to help me listen for the meaning. Keep me sane while I go insane. I invite laughter as a viable human tool to free myself from the weight of the unknown. Keep my heart light and my living weightless so I can learn to get out of my own head and out of my own way, more often. Make my wholeness palpable, while you show me my weakness. Make me grow, force me to know. I am yours and you are mine. Make me faithful, make me mine… Help me turn this light on everyday and shine.